In the last 3 weeks, I’ve had back to back disappointments in my life, but I think the most devastating of them all, was being diagnosed with CF-Related Diabetes…but in true Jess fashion, I don’t ever act like anything is wrong, and I try & keep positive – this sometimes can be a negative thing too. It got me thinking about what direction I want my blog to take, but first, some backstory..
When I was 7, I was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis.
When I was 12, I was diagnosed with chronic Pancreatitis.
When I was 14, I was diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa.
When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa.
When I was 21, I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.
& now, at 28, I was diagnosed with CF-Related Diabetes (a mixture of Type1 & Type2).
You could look at that & think “Fuck, she’s had it pretty tough”.
I look at that & think, “That’s me!”
Yeah, sure, I’ve been dealt a pretty rough hand sometimes, but my relationships with my illness’ have never been doom & gloom. I’ve never thought why me?! – I reserve that way of thinking to my failed relationships, Ha!
Let me explain a bit more.
My strain of CF, is very very mild, so by all accounts, I am healthy in a lung perspective. My lung functions are always ranging between 90-100% (currently sitting at 97%) & I’ve never had a hospital admission for my lungs…so, can’t complain there!
This developed because of my CF, yes, my lungs are healthy, and yes, I was born with a healthy, working, pancreas, but at age 12, that all changed. I had my first Pancreatitis attack when I was 12, I had no idea what was happening, but knew that I was in so much pain. Over the years, I’ve spent a fair amount of time in the hospital. At the moment it tends to be once every 4 years that I’ll be admitted for a week of nil by mouth. I get pains about once a month and use my painkillers to get me through. It’s not so bad.
I’ve always been very positive about my illness’ on the outside, but on the inside, it took a sinister turn. I didn’t feel like I fit in with the other CF kids, they all looked sick, Why didn’t I look sick?! So I took matters into my own hands, and I made myself look sick, by 17 I weighed 38kg. The reasoning behind it goes deeper than just looking sick too, when I was diagnosed with CF I was put on medication that was meant to help me digest food, instead I gained a lot of weight, they had incorrectly put me on it & as a small child I ended up weighing 100kg – it stuffed me up. I am now recovered from Anorexia. I wish I could say the same for Bulimia, but she rears her ugly head from time to time, lately has been that time, but she doesn’t stick around for long.
I found out I had PCOS once I recovered from Anorexia and gained weight back. Whatever happened, it activated the dormant condition inside me, now I struggle with pretty much all of the symptoms of this, and it is a battle!
My most recent friend, newly diagnosed as of 4 days now. CF Related Diabetes is a mixture of Type 1 & Type 2 – my last hospital admission in Februray for my Pancreas pretty much killed off the last bit of function I had in it. So bye bye Insulin production. I am starting off injecting insulin once a day, but from Tuesday that will probably change and be up to 5x a day. I haven’t processed this yet, I have too much going on to try and put into words how I feel.
All of this, has inspired me to take a journey on this blog. Not just health reasons have prompted me, but other life reasons too.
What does the future look like?
I’m doing to blog daily, this is mainly for my own accountability, and successes, and a way to document the fails too – but if you want to read it, then I hope you enjoy too!
I’m going to start tomorrow, I want to make sure that every day I write about what has made me happy, sad, and how I can learn from it. I want to post a picture of myself every day, what I eat, what I see.
My goal in this, in to truly love myself. I went on this amazing South Island Solo Adventure last month, and I learned that I love my own company, and that I don’t need anyone in my life. I’d rather want someone, over needing them. But, since coming back, I have struggled to find that love I had, and I figured it out this weekend. I still love my personality, and what makes me me, I just don’t love the way I look.
I don’t think I’m ugly or anything, but I lack confidence to wear my body well. I have areas of improvement, and I want to improve.
I want to be healthy because honestly, diabetes comes with more high risk than any of my other diseases. I don’t want to go blind, and I don’t want to lose a limb.
So I need to start to better myself, inside & out.
The only thing I probably won’t post about would be my love life. It’s in shambles at the moment, and I don’t have words to describe how I’m feeling in that department. But I don’t want to meet anyone until I can be confident with my body. So maybe it’s a good thing that things aren’t working out now.
So there’s the backstory, and tomorrow starts the future…come along with me if you want, I can’t promise excitement or huge insights, but I’ll do my best to keep humble & grow as a human being.