Day 9: I’m still here.

You just have to get up and keep putting one foot in front of the other, and if that’s all you do at least it’s something.

I wanted to stay in bed this morning, I wanted to pull the covers over my head, switch off my alarm and call in sick to work.

I didn’t, but I wanted to.

Instead, I did all that I could do, I got up and went on with my life

I was greeted by a beautiful sunrise on my drive to work, the sun gets up every day, even in the worst of times, so why can’t I?!

To be honest, I don’t have many feelings about the decisions I made this past weekend, I’m not overly devastated and I’m feeling weird about that, in fact, I caught myself smiling today, that I can drive away from someone who hurt me so badly, feeling like I made a decision around them, that I had control over, because somewhere deep down, I knew I was ready for that.

I’m not saying that I might not feel a bit of hurt in the coming days and that I don’t have a small expectation that I’d like to see them again, and knowing them as well as I do, and their patterns, that it could be another 1.5 years before I see them again.

But I’ve done a lot of growing in the last year, and I can deal with situations in a healthier way. Last night I was expecting to feel devastated, and even though I would have loved to spend a day in bed trying to feel something, I got up and realised life can go on, you can have power over a situation and feel okay to walk away if needed.

I’ve never been in a position where I’ve had control over my own emotions, usually letting others dictate how I feel/handle/react. Now I know what’s an appropriate way to be treated, and what I can do when I’m not treated in a way I deserve. As far as Sunday night goes, this other person did nothing wrong, and neither have I…I’m 28, I can make these decisions, and if it starts to hurt, I stop, I reaccess, I evaluate and I make some changes.

So I got on with it. I focused on work, which is crazy busy by the way. I have so many projects on at once, that I don’t even know where to start. I was in 4 hours of meetings today, so I felt incredibly unproductive, and when I finally sat down to eat my lunch, I had 4 different people come ask me to help them, one after the other.

I brought a teacup for my desk that I just want to hold up to anyone who approaches me sometimes…

“Nope”

Sometimes, I want to be the “Nope” girl. You don’t always have to say “Yes” to get respect.

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