I don’t know if I’m slack, lazy, or a functioning depressed person. Whatever it is, I haven’t felt like I could put anything into words, hence the lack of blogging.
I can’t even remember what I last blogged about, & I’m too lazy to look. I think it was about how I’m in the right place in my life.
Which I still believe, but some things have changed.
My psychologist got me to cry this week. I’ve been seeing her for a year now, and have successfully managed to hide the tears until the flood gates opened this week, and honestly, I felt so embarrassed to be crying.
She got me to list people in my life who mean a lot to me, but I don’t have healthy relationships with them, my parents were top of the list.
She then got me to explain what each relationship was like, for my mum I said it was strained, she tunes out and goes into her own world when people talk to her and as a result, I have stopped trying to have a relationship.
We then moved onto my Dad, and I said with a smile on my face “I love my Dad”, she then said, “Oh, what about your mum?” and I went to say “I..” and couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t say “I love my mum” out loud, I couldn’t even say I liked her. Which made me start to cry, I felt guilty that I couldn’t say it, I felt scared, uncomfortable.
I do love my mum, but when I was diagnosed with CF at 7, she stopped being there, the only way she could deal was to disappear into her own mind, I would write her notes saying “I promise I’ll get better if you just get out of bed”. I was 7.
What we’ve discovered in my year of counselling (I’ve seen counsellors my entire life, but this one I’m seeing now is amazing), is that nobody protected me growing up. With my diagnoses, I protected everyone else, by saying I was fine, by having no emotions towards it. I still do it. I don’t let the people I care about most close enough to me, in case I die. I don’t want them to hurt. Or if I’m upset with whatever is going on in my life, I never tell my parents, because I don’t want them to hurt.
Weirdly, a huge revelation in that counselling session is that I choose men who are like my mother. I choose people who don’t make me feel safe, and who disappear on me. But I continue to try and try with these people.
Which led to me making a pretty big decision this weekend.
I was going to go and see someone, who I have been seeing throughout June, and they have started to show their old behaviours from a few years ago (not replying to texts, being frantic in the way they communicated, non-committal etc). They have been on meth in the past, and I believe they are back on it or have slipped up. He forgets I know him very very well.
So, it was too high risk for me to see them this weekend, I didn’t believe they would show up. Usually, though I would go regardless, and then I’d be devasted when they didn’t show up. But I have to start to protect myself now, nobody has protected me my entire life, not even myself, but that has changed, and I decided to stay home, with my cat, and binge-watch TV. Making healthier choices that serve me. And surprise surprise, I haven’t heard from him, he didn’t even care enough about me as a person to text back or try convince me to come down or say he understands. Nothing.
I’ve also been a lot more relaxed lately, but I might do another post on that, as I have discovered some pretty cool techniques that I’d like to share.
I’m also remembering that I can do things alone, and not need anyone to join me all the time. So yesterday I went for a beautiful walk down to the beach by myself, I want to be active in life, and I don’t have enough people who share this passion in my life, so I might as well go alone, and it was quite magical.